Today marks four months since Real Life Romance Hero passed. This is not going to be one of those upbeat posts, so I totally understand if you would prefer to catch the next one. This is an Anna post, not a Storm post, because she is a kitty, and I am feeling especially human today.

Grief is strange. One day, you’re dealing, then riding the ceiling fan of anxiety because tax times and you were not the one who did that, but then again, you were not the one who did a lot of things. The weight of partnership feels extra heavy when it isn’t there.

I am fine. Having a lot of thoughts, and this is where they want to go, so here they are. Today, Housemate and I got laundry down to the car before we hit a mutual NOPE and went to lunch and errands instead. Laundry can be tomorrow. Adulting things are depending on hearing stuff from professionals, but our apartment is nice and safe.

Throughout the day, I was keenly aware of what time it was, and what was happening at that time on that day, the one when RLRH died. There was a quiet voice in my head, in one of those compassionately impartial tv presenter tones: this is the time we went into the conference room. This is when the Catholic priest came for RLRH’s sacrament. This is when the non-denominational chaplain came to be there for me. This is when I told the team I wanted to touch him as long as possible, look at him as long as possible, because this would be the last time. Somebody kept pointing out the bereavement tray, which was bags of snacks, and all I could think of was “my husband is dying; why would I want potato chips?” I did hold his hand until the end, and I remember the gap between the actual death and the official time of death. We had the opportunity to stay in the room for up to four hours, but I wanted to be with him, not it (the body.)

When we walked home that night, it was dark. Today, at that time, it was light, and temperature was in the seventies, if not eighties. There was sweat. The contrast is/was big. RLRH loved spring. I am more of a fall/winter girl. Housemate and I have been discussing when to turn on Koolio, our air conditioner, now adorned with a handlebar moustache sticker. I had joked about putting googly eyes on Koolio, to which RLRH was opposed. I told him he’d said nothing about handlebar moustaches. I could put the googly eyes on now, but I don’t think I will.

So, where does this go from here? I don’t know. I wanted to write about this, and so, I did. Evening is here now, so time for a scented bath, a good book, and then kitty belly rubs. New day tomorrow, bringing laundry and writing. The day after that, improv class. Also getting back to social media. I am now on Tik Tok as anna_log_writes, and would love to connect.

How was your day?