Today, I set myself a goal of working nine to five (still on fumes of Dolly Parton Day on September 25th) this time, focused on decluttering. The Too Much Stuff is strong. This is going to be another one of those life circumstances posts, so Gentle Readers, here is a kitty picture and we will connect again later.
Okay. Yeah. This was another one of Those Days. Most of them are, truth be told. I do not recommend complex grief, with financial stress, decluttering, and all that comes with all of the above. The way I’m doing things right now is nine AM to five PM are work hours. If that is not bank/post office/outside of house, then it is getting stuff the HECK out of my apartment. I am done with it. Over. Finito. There is very little sentiment attached to Things at this moment. I am looking into estate liquidators to take care of storage units because I hit a wall of DONE. Not in danger, just done. I can’t do this all by myself, and that seems to have been the option. It’s too much for one person, and I am only one visually impaired, grieving, fed-up person with limited resources and those need to go toward building the life I will have going forward.
The reason I am blogging the way I am is not for pity or attention, but the fact that it’s the way I best process what is going on in my head. I need to focus on finding a day job to take care of Storm and myself, so that I can give my evenings and weekends to writing fiction and creating content. Those things are my passion and my joy, and I need both of those things. Bank is looking into the online fraud issues, which may or may not resolve. I don’t want to talk too much about that here, but it’s a whole other adventure. Real Life Romance Hero or Housemate would have handled it were they here, but if they were here, I would not have been dealing with this. Funny how that works.
What I am going for in posts like these is honesty. As a writer, tapping into emotional truth is important, especially because the books I write are all about emotion and relationship. If I can turn this crud into art, I will consider that a win. I am working on standup bits based on the experience of grief, especially grief upon grief upon grief, because if I can laugh about it, I can live with it. Case in point, today. I am looking through available jobs that I am qualified to do (surprisingly, being a family caregiver and freelance writer/editor do have marketable skills, though the whole CV thing still confuses and at times terrifies me) while resting my foot that most likely has plantar fasciitis, a thing I can get checked as soon as the new insurance kicks in at the start of October. What is the first job that comes up? Dog walker. Right now, I will be happy with just ‘walker.’ Getting paid to walk dogs would be amazing, once that becomes possible. I do live near a park.
Today, I got quite a bit done. I would love to sell every single thing I am jettisoning from the house, but I am gun shy after the whole FB Marketplace fiasco, and I am tired. Just tired. I want the energy I have to go to things related to moving forward. From nine to five, that means taking care of whatever business the day might hold. After that, it is for creating and filling my well. Weekends are the same. Today’s blog entry is mostly because A) I still had time left in the workday and B) I want to take away some of the stigma around talking about grief and its accoutrements. About being angry at RLRH and Housemate for leaving me to take care of all of this without them. About how angry I am that my favorite season is here, and it’s not better than it was last year, when RLRH was sick. It’s worse. I’m alone. I don’t want to have to go through a whole other year before I can think about taking pleasure in my favorite season. About the low energy meals – peanut butter toast; beef brats and chunks of cheese, for when my body needs nutrition and my brain is just done. About going into my second consecutive holiday season from hell, a milestone birthday I would rather skip. About the burning need to create that hasn’t diminished, and in fact is getting brighter. Even when the world of publishing is a completely different animal than it was when I first set out on that path.
So that’s it for today. Possibly this week, though I am committing only to blogging right now, no specific schedule. Future topics will be less dark, I promise. Life does come with good surprises as well as catastrophic ones. New releases are on the horizon. I will talk about things other than grief and mental health, but that is where I am today. Today, that is what I have to give. Tomorrow will be something else, because, apparently, I am indestructible.
