Latest entry in the trauma conga line that is my life these days. Today is Real Life Romance Hero’s first birthday since he passed. Tomorrow will be eight months since he passed. The day after that, we need to do court stuff to start Housemate’s estate. We, meaning I, as Housemate’s family live in TN, have to clear out the storage units, and I am not sure about the apartment. It’s a lot.

I am actually okay-ish today. I am wearing RLRH’s favorite shirt, and spent the day making TikToks while sorting through Housemate’s stuff, and drinking tea. If I don’t hear from Housemate’s family by five today, I will consider myself off the clock as it were and turn to taking care of me. Maybe a walk and grab myself a treat to celebrate that I got to spend the rest of RLRH’s life with him.

Tomorrow is another day. Thank you, Scarlett O’Hara. As always, writing helps me through the shark infested dumpster fire that is right now. Last night, I gave myself permission to go all out, no holding back, verbal vomit from the backside. Gentle readers, this is your chance to slip out and come back for a gentler post. There will be some. I don’t know when, but there will be some.

TRIGGER WARNING: grief, anxiety, caregiving, housing insecurity.

Here are some of the things we don’t think about when grief curb stomps us for the third time in eight months:

My best friend died…after my best friend died. This friend was also my roommate, also the lease holder, also the one who said not to worry in the first year after losing the live of my life; she’d take care of me. Instead, I took care of her. As in bottle feeding her meal replacement shakes and changing her diapers, sleeping in the same bed so I would never be far when she needed me. Now she’s gone. Her family and I started the paperwork to settle her small estate. I think my soul left my body when I asked about where on the list of debts I should put my friend’s rent, and the clerk said, “She isn’t paying rent now, is she?” I will have to talk to management about that. The floor dropped. I wasn’t wearing my leg brace because things are wait wait wait GO. I could have used the extra support.

With every entry I made, I felt another part of my life and identity ripped away. The phone plan. Internet at home instead of public WiFi. Amazon, and with it Prime Video and Kindle Unlimited. Netflix. The storage units. I felt that devastation again because I can’t be in more than one place at one time. They are a jumble. Most of these things will need too be sold (best case) or donated, or junked (worst case.) My completed journals. Furniture I have loved all my life, hoping for a permanent place in a someday-house. Art supplies. Rheuben’s things. Stuffed animals we both loved. My special favorite author books. Research books. Mementos of a life I would give anything to have back. The me who lived that life and wanted to keep on living it. Gonegonegonegonegone.

The last time I had to be separated from an animal I need for emotional support, I nearly didn’t make it. I am going to need an ESA letter for Storm. I know a trusted friend stands ready to foster if need be, but to take her from me as well? Please don’t. That is all I can say right now. I don’t want to lose the happy home my family and I shared after the then-worst year of our lives. We had each other. We had a pact. We would stay together, and that included Storm. Now it’s her and me and no car, little certainty. I can’t be everywhere. I can’t carry everything. I am writing this at my lowest, because writing is my happy place. It’s getting Book of Job-ish around here. I remember being in Linda’s room, on her last day, noticing my fingers on both hands were covered in the blisters of dyshidrotic eczema. I already have the atopic kind. If you don’t know what those look like, don’t do an image search. My brain is fhtyyt (cat had paw on tablet screen, but she put it better than I can.) I wish I had a positive way to wrap this all together, but I don’t. I have honesty and bewilderment and pain. I want to be the one taken care of, the one who doesn’t have to do anything but rest. That would be the best thing.

For those so inclined, a kind friend set up a Go Fund Me, to help ease the transition:

Fundraiser by Debbie Jantzen : Support Anna After Two Heartbreaking Losses