This is an Anna post, but this picture of Storm conveys my mood better than I ever could:

I do not count the days since Housemate passed, because there is only one, and it is a big blur. Housemate’s brother and niece have been up here from Southern State, and we have been navigating the minefield of paperwork and permissions and all that stuff together. We may be in the final stretches of what we can do for now, including finding out whether I have to move or not, and then when all of that is settled, they need to go home.

Living alone does not appeal to me. I am a big old extrovert. Having family and friends close by, as in within my living space is a need. If I am staying, I will be looking for a roommate, which is more stress that could lead to less stress, and there is the process of building a new normal. I hate building a new normal. I have done it too many times. I’m good at it. That is not the problem. Doing it is the problem. I liked the normal I had…well, without the sick family members and the clutter and the usual mental load that came hardwired in me right out of the box.

The Go Fund Me a dear friend set up is teasingly close to halfway, so if you are inclined, share and contribute if you can. Definitely take care of yourself first. There really are no words to say thank you enough, not only for monetary help but all of the kind words as well. They do more good than you will ever know.

Days right now are largely focused around paperwork and permissions and forms and numbers and authorizations and doing a lot more research into probate law than I had expected. Please, please, please, if you don’t have a will, make one. It’s a way to show love to those closest to you. I will be doing that myself when things settle. Sometimes it feels like I want to say if they settle, but they will, as they always do. I am in “in this moment” mode, which is helping. Do one thing at a time, and when 5pm hits, I have done all I can do.

Last night, after Housemate’s family left for the night, I was jumpy. I didn’t want them to go. How am I going to be alone? I grabbed my keys and walked a couple of blocks to CVS for a cold drink. I almost got a snack, but my brain was fried, and picking out snacks was not something for which I had any reserves. Baby steps, at this point. I came home. I sketched out how I wanted to clear off the kitchen table, which became a dumping ground when everything was in “drop everything else, this is an emergency mode.” Some of that stuff had been from when I spent the entire day at the hospital with Rheuben.

This in between period, whatever it is, and whatever is on the other side, is going to be interesting. I have enough time to ramble here before I go off adulting for the day. I am staying hydrated. I have food. but eating is meh. I am getting some sleep. Not enough but some. Still in survival mode. That has a job to do, and I am going to let it.

I don’t know how I want to wrap this together, so I will start off with that. If all goes well, I may be able to take myself to improv class on Saturday, which would be an amazing dose of healing. One step at a time and all those good things. I am still not sure how to wrap this, so I will finish with that as well, and hop to the next obvious thing, which is see you soon.